Blog: the Evolution

Blogging isn't actually new to me.  I have a Livejournal account that I still occasionally use, albeit far less frequently than I used to. It's sort of an electronic memoir of a past failed relationship, from the love-blinded beginning to its eventual demise. There are lots of details I left out, not because they were too intimate to record, but because I tend to use the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality for things that pain me the most. If I don't write a lot of it down and have a record of how much it hurt, I can more easily forget about it and move on with my life.

And boy, did I ever move on with my life.  My ex, however, is not able to do so. I know this because the last few times he contacted me, I told him I wished him well. He wished the exact opposite for me.  Strangely enough, I still wish him well. Too bad he'll probably never forgive himself enough to accept my wish for his happiness.  Is it naive of me to feel that if I can be this happy, everyone deserves to be so?

But: back to blogging.  When I lived in Virginia, I won second place in a spelling bee in the 5th grade.  My mom didn't congratulate me for doing a great job, she asked me why I didn't win. My hurt feelings translated into a semi-autobiographical account of a little girl failing to win a spelling bee against heavily stacked odds. I think it was titled, "I'm Not Perfect!" or something, which was highly reminiscent of an after-school special.  But it was what I knew, and in the guise of a childishly concocted story, it was really my first attempt at blogging (minus the "web" and "logging" bits).

Somewhere in middle school, I tried writing in a diary.  I love all things tiny, and my 3" x 2" diary with a wee little key was no exception. I poured my adolescent heart out into the miniature pages in a cramped, squint-inducing hand. I wrote about creative ideas I had, mean kids, crushes, etc.  (Which sort of tells me I haven't really evolved much.)  I remember most of a poem I wrote to a bully who used to verbally abuse me on a daily basis. This was 7th or 8th grade, I think. (Name changed to separate a mean bully from some seriously bad rhymes.)

Ken Blankenship is really bad

The worst enemy I've ever had

He insults me and makes me mad

(Something, something that ends in sad)

So here's what I say, you piece of poo

I hate your guts, and piss on you!

Quality poetry, right? 

I'm sure I felt angry poetry written in a tiny diary with a tiny lock was the only real recourse I had against this kid.  He was unfailingly mean about my weight, my looks, my clothing, anything he could get a latch on. And I had the misfortune of sharing an assigned seat with him. I had yet to develop either a sense of humor pithy enough to turn a joke on him or a sense of self-worth high enough to approach the teacher to get a seat reassignment.  (I seem to remember being afraid of that teacher for some reason.) So here I was, stuck with this poor excuse for a tween at a tiny round table, resorting to silly poetry in 3-mm handwriting. But at least I got my feelings out on paper. The written word always seems to have been soothing for me.

Let's move on, shall we?

In high school I kept a notebook of ideas, short stories, and poems.  None of them were autobiographical, but they all expressed my need to put my thoughts down and say what I wanted to say.  I think I only ever showed them to my friend Apryll when we were bored to tears in Algebra class. I also delved into the world of poetry toward the end of high school and the beginning of college, and lots of what I wrote was thinky-feely, too. I wrote a poem called "Gilded Box of Memories" that later got published in a hokey Poetry.com competition. Re-reading it makes me wince a little.

(Guess what!  It's still online: http://www.beamrider.com/songnest/songpoems.html#Gilded)

Somewhere around 2002 I started my Livejournal. It's been with me, on and off, since then--which is possibly the longest I've ever kept a journal of some kind. But hopefully, with the establishment of this blog, I'll be more likely to post my thoughts and write something almost every day.

I have essays I want to write, experiences I want to remember, things that need to be expressed. I have so much to say...!